KENTUCKY WILDCATS 2014-2015 PREVIEW

Kentucky Coach John Calipari

 IN-DEPTH WITH THE WILDCATS
Kicking off the season previews series with the #1 team in all the land, the University of Kentucky Wildcats. Coming within reach of a championship last year, John Calipari's Wildcats look to claw their way back to the top!

Also introducing the Scout's Corner, a section not recommended for the faint of heart. This is the advanced sports metrics section. Don't even bother if you can't deal with doing mental math.

I didn't make this blog so that idiots could come in here and drool on themselves, leaving comments about how they don't understand THIS and THAT. I'll tell you this: CFH is a fool-free zone. 

If you're even THINKING about leaving one of your useless, brain-dead comments on this site (and you KNOW who I'm talking to, you), I'll have your IP banned and put spyware in your browser's cookies so that you'll REALLY be in a world of hurt.

I am a computer hacker and I know how Javascript works. Don't believe me? It functions by finding a target HTML element, and then doing something to it, just like CSS, but the way it operates, the syntax etc. is rather different. JavaScript is a more complicated and expansive subject than HTML and CSS, so to keep things simple and avoid confusing your simple minds at this stage, I won’t be discussing it in the below example.

In fact, you won’t be looking at JavaScript information on this site again unless you go spewing your mindless garbage on my comments again.

Just keep that in mind next time you want to run your mouth around here.


SCOUT'S CORNER: The 3 Main Bulletpoints

• Nearly unanimous preseason number one picks
• Two separate FIVE MAN UNITS holy shit
• John Calipari has acquired a BUTTLOAD of new NBA-caliber recruits, likely one-season-and-done. One-and-dones from recent years include Anthony Davis, Nerlens Noel, Julius Randle...the list of top tier picks goes on and on 

Add one more name to that legendary list:  COTTON NASH. This young up-and-comer graced the cover of Sports Illustrated this week and is sure to shred. Yes he'll eat his way through the SEC's gluten-y defenses like a celiac glutton (meaning it'll make him sick but he's tough as a rock so w/e).

Basketball's newest white superstar

All is quiet on the western front...

 Born anew, in the eye of my life's hurricane, so gently in a basketball. So quiet and calm....

One must wonder: Will college hoops even happen this year?

The deafening silence. The calm before the weather storm (and the unbelievable gale force twisters that are to follow!!!). A cyclone of this magnitude can't be good, take shelter. Lock your windows and your doors, board up your hoops cabin shack. Protect that big screen TV!

Spill beer on the cable broadcasting console, o networks. Save us from the breathtaking drama of another college hoops season. My heart can't take it!

I still care I must admit

I know that if we ever break up
I know you'll never make up
And I'm sorry, so sorry

But my heart can't take it no more

Half the times you lied
You know how many times I cried
Lonely tears, it brought me misery

Maybe one day you'll realize
Just how I really tried
Darling to make you happy

I gave my heart
You only took it and destroyed it
And now you say it's me you love

Yet you cheated and deceived me
And now you say you want to keep me
And I'm sorry, so sorry


 In the mere cyclone of a month, the basketballs will dribble down from the skies, there ain't no stopping me now. College Freakin Hoops, 2015, let's do this.

ELITE 8 PREVIEW- MSU VS UCONN - LEPRECHAUNS OF MARCH

Could it be! I said could it be! The green and white haze has fallen through the meadows. The huskies can't find their way! Shabazz has fallen among the poppies of ill-mannered magic. The time is now for the combo of Payne and Dawson to unleash the crawl. Hordes of leprechauns! The lights are on, the match is set. Let the leprechaun dance commence.

ELITE 8 PREVIEW: Kentucky vs. Michigan - The Miracle of Birth or Spirit Animals?

Watch out for Kentucky's Julius Randle! He has emerged as a killer shark who goes after blood in the water while humming the JAWS theme song. Michigan's big men will have to punch him in the snout to get rid of him.

Jordan Morgan has become more of a rabid Wolverine as the season has gone on. But much like his spirit animal, this nocturnal carnivore will struggle to perform before the sun goes down. Sunset is scheduled for 8:18 PM tonight, which has the Michigan faithful saying, "Ruh roh!" as they scavenge Scooby Snacks from the petrol-drenched floors of Lucas Oil Stadium.

Nik Stauskas has been Michigan's shining star all season.  A milky white skinned player, this dribbling biscuit of a man has been shooting at a high percentage throughout this tournament. But tonight is the night his muscle memory fails him and his shooting touch becomes a script for the next l33t fail video! He will not be able to buy a hoop on Craig's List!

The Harrison twins are not Siamese, but they are still a sort of two-headed monster on the basketball court. These siblings were born less than a day apart. This miracle of birth is sure to propel the Wildcats to the Final 4!

PICK: Kentucky (-2)

ELITE 8 PREVIEW: Dayton vs Florida

Has the illustrious tournament run come to a close? Florida the once sought after gators are facing a fierce competitor. The antitheses of carnal rule is the airborne joy of flyers. Archie the one a time forgotten brother of Sean Miller has ammased his gang of ravenous mouth breathers and is poised to set off the A-10 grenade. Don "monk" meineke has returned! Surely his spirit will guide the high flyers to the final four!

ELITE 8 PREVIEW: Arizona and the FUN-draiser to get Brandon Ashley new legs

Sean Miller views his coaching job a lot like a buffet, feasting on superb talent and washing it down with a carbonated soda of success (which only costs $1.85 extra given the right circumstances). This sort of gluttony has led him to gain an unhealthy amount of metaphoric weight on his metaphysical body and he might have a heart attack. 911 is on my speed dial for tonight and if I see Sean Miller acting a bit wonky on TV, you all will know exactly what's happening to him on a metaphysical level.

Wisconsin's Frank Kaminsky has proven to be a slam dunk in the talent dumpster throughout this tournament. This self-proclaimed "trash man" will continue making baskets as if he were lofting paper mache into a waste disposal.

But how you gonna shoot 3's with the Arizona's pack-line defense? Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan can't seem to figure it out and this morning had to be restrained by giant police when asked a wily question by one of the reporters. This reporter was wearing a trenchcoat and seemed to think he was detective Colombo or something, so I personally think Bo's outburst was understandable.

KEY POINT OF THE GAME
- Will Brandon Ashley return for Arizona? No one is talking about this, but we here at College Freakin Hoops can never rule it out. This is, after all, March Madness.

We are taking donations for the Brandon Ashley fund. We are trying to raise enough money to attach him to some leg units. If successful in our funding, he could almost certainly see some action for Sean Miller's squad tonight.

March Madness has brought me out of a depression I burned all my snapbacks and stayed warm by the fire since I no longer have a home because I burned it to the ground to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire

I have emerged from my depression as a new man. My bracket wasn't busted this year because I'm not gonna fill one out til the end of the season, then Warren Buffet will HAVE to give my my billion.

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