Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Duke Star Austin Rivers: Dire Risk for a Dollar

Meet Chapel Hill resident Jason Barbera, squatting in his booth at the Dreyfuss Diner. We asked this passionate Duke fan what he thought of the cuisine at the local hotspot.

"The half frozen, watery jambalaya tastes like tinned fish," he said, somewhat effeminately.

This is where Duke star Austin Rivers spends his time as a cook, shoveling hot fat and vegetable grease. These clumsy culinary habits put him at high risk for burning his hands with boiling frying pan magma. But Coach Mike Krzyzewski sees no problem with this kind of workforce enrollment.

"It's time our players learned the value of a hard earned American rupiah dollar," said Coach K, somewhat effeminately."Depreciation has taken a toll on my players."

Austin has developed a disturbing attachment to the job, however, as he now seems to smuggle half-eaten corndogs against his elastic waistband. This kind of fried food on the court clearly violates NCAA rules. Austin, however, would say he is lucky.

"I'm a chef who fries bar food. I'm a world class basketball player. THanks for reading this article," said Rivers, somewhat effeminately.

Indiana Hoosiers Launch into Liberty

The Indiana Hoosiers have launched into college basketball liberty this season under the leadership of Tom Crean. On an unbeaten 12-0 foundation, the Hoosiers are resurfacing the cultural image of Indiana basketball and building an utter database of statistics.

The Hoosiers get to the line early and often with a great interior game. Any coach in the Big Ten may as well post a Xerox copy of their ass on the inspiration board when Indiana is hitting their 3s. That same copy could very well replace every page of the playbook too. They are as talented offensively  as Ke$ha is talented when it comes to wasting our time.

The much under-publicized tractor factor is also key to understanding this team, leading teams to a hickish culture shock when traveling through the Hoosier state. Meanwhile, the doughy superstars on the court continue their offensive onslaught with complete choreography, looking to make a tournament run and end up sipping on March's wine this Spring.

Monday, December 26, 2011

College Basketball Prediction Accuracy

You can either slam with the best, or go jam with the rest.

Unbelievable accuracy (through 1 game.) Believe.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Illinois vs Missouri Preview - Thursday, December 22, 2011

Illinois G D.J. Richardson leads the judicial attack of the Illini's youth parliament. He will assess both hempispheres of Missouri's hive mind, disrupting the concentration response and setting off symbolic illegal fireworks in their collective danger radar.

Despite this, Illinois will not be able to force turnovers, thanks to Tigers' senior wizard G Marcus Denmon, who has been hoarding the ball like an acorn in the wintertime, much like the squirrely man he has proven to be. These habitat management practices will prepare them for a rather warm winter, with all due respect.

Unfortunately, the corrupt statisticians polluting the sidelines will be sure to make many "innocent" scoring errors, leading Missouri to an easy victory.

BOOK IT:  Missouri 80, Illinois 68