Friday, October 28, 2011

2012 UCONN Preview

Reigning NCAA Champion UCONN Huskies are a projected top 5 team in the early polls. NOT SO, I say, somewhat illogically. Let me explain.

Jeremy Lamb and Alex Oriakhi lead an After-Kemba (A.K) era, and the complete UCONN staff of athletics employees of 47 have been affectionately nicknamed "The AK-47". This unfortunate nickname will stir up the anti-violence groups and cost us some money.

This team will be very talented, but will lose a bunch of close games. Young guard Shabazz Napier will inexplicably become the Mount Saint Helens of college hoops, ready to erupt with projectile vomit at any given moment.

Coach Jim Calhoun once again hopes to have them playing in the flay, but they have eaten too much flan to stay competitive (according to unofficial CFH statistics). This tiresome food will lead the team down a road filled with negative energy and gassy fits of diarrhea, inevitably. Sorry again for the dark forecast.  It is what it is.

2012 Memphis Team Preview

Memphis, the absent star of the north will affect your play negatively this season. Memphis, you should focus on recruiting obedient nobodies rather than dominant alpha-males in your near future.

Memphis, you reached to near the top of the "luck" rankings last year according to Sir Ken Pom. This means your record exceeded your actual performance. How dare you deceive our people, Memphis.

Memphis, please try to eat diets rich in Italian foods, especially Pescatelli, so as to commune communal community communing communal commune communing communal commune communing communal commune (etc). Memphis, please provide great basketball to a town that needs great basketball when a town had great basketball but then more great basketball was erased to to a lockout. The absent northern star depends on you. I predict a Top 25 finish in your future, but not top 10. "El Pepe" has spoken.

(content provided by alleged psychic sports astrologer / vegan "El Pepe")

Pesky Flyers Discourage Trojans

An abysmal campaign of flyers were posted in and around the greater Los Angeles community recently. These flyers have been known to say things such as "USC Wet Noodles of the Pac 12 " and "RIP Tim Floyd".

For a roster so wackened by graduation and injury, these wacky jackers are particularly sensitive to the negative messages peddled by the LA Crip gangs filled with Bruins fans. This doesn't look good -- the LA Riots will reasonably happen again sometime in the next couple of months.

2012 Purdue Team Preview

Purdue is liable to fall on some hard times here in 2012, after enjoying the fruitful splendor of last year's veteran leadership under tortuous conditions. Please read more.

Just try to visualize Gene Keady, Boilers. Imagine him mumbling some incoherent (immortal) words of wisdom to rally the troops, and your outlook of the Boilermakers' season will be just as positive as mine. Please keep reading.

Robbie Hummel is sure to bring his swollen ACL and attempt to bail out Purdue basketball as if it were some sort of Swiss bank.

I see Purdue finishing near the middle of the pack in a mediocre Big Ten. They will shed their talent cones mid-year, like the truly coniferous bunch they are.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

2012 Penn State preview

Penn State is in relative shambles. The loss of many starters to graduation would have doomed them to a near-last Big Ten finish, but now they have to deal with team departures as well.

Troubled guard Taran Buie left the team in April. His method of departure was particularly unusual, as he put on quite a performance instead of making a simple announcement.

"I'm tiiiiiiiiired of grace!" he sang in his best Aretha Franklin soul notes. "So tiiiiiiiiired of second chances!" He attempted to detach the mounted press-stand microphone but was unfortunately electrocuted instead. He would be out for the year even if he had been eligible to return.

Wishing you a speedy recovery,

Monday, October 24, 2011

2012 Arizona Team Preview

This year, Arizona will sleep peacefully under a half moon of salsa. A projected premiere jalapeno in the Pac 12 this semester, the Wildcats are poised to make a deep run in the tourney thanks to ________, their shining star. I have them in my top 10, getting barely edged out by _____ and ____ in my preseason rankings. _____________________________________________________.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Rick Pitino Unleashes his controversial Chicken's Nest Defense.

Basketball innovator Rick Pitino has recently unveiled a new defense that is sure to turn college basketball upside down and leave opponents scatterbrained and hard-boiled, in that order, verbatim. It is called the Chicken's Nest Defense. Watch out for lots of eggs being laid by other team's offenses!

I have described the new defensive tactic to the best of my ability below, step by step so that any youth basketball directors reading can take this brilliant man's strategy to heart.

Phase 1 -- Deception -- Players sag off or leave a hole in their zone defense. This leads the ball handler to believe he has a clear path to the rim, which he does. I know, you skeptics are thinking smugly to yourselves, "SOME DEFENSE HUH." You just wait.

Phase 2 -- Unbelievable athleticism -- Pitino recruits athletic fiends to jump back onto the scene and destroy the spirited field goal attempts with blocked-shot talons of destruction.

Phase 3 -- Roost.

Louisville basketball <3

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Thursday, October 20, 2011


We have occupied possession of a valuable asset to the company -- Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan's personal laptop, including his recent web history. In a COLLEGE FREAKIN HOOPS EXCLUSIVE, we are able to report to you, here, today, that Bo Ryan issued 2 or 3 different google searches about the practice of ZEN.

The fine dine of reports and excellence in journalism continues, friends, as College Freakin Hoops can also reasonably make this prediction -- Bo Ryan will start using the triangle offense a la Phil Jackson post-zen, and little known guard RYAN EVANS will be knighted the next Jordan / Kobe within that system. Book it, bookies.

Kentucky Team Preview - 2011-12

Star incoming freshman Anthony Davis is slated to become AN ABSOLUTE CARABET (car-uh-bay) for the Wildcats. He's already been to the moon with his oft-documented close ties to NASA.

But one red flag for all you Wildcat fans to embrace -- he actually knitted his own jersey. There's no telling what this hobby has done to his chi, but it can't be good for his performance. SELL SELL SELL!!!!!!!

Vanderbilt Team Preview 2011-12

Preseason #7 in the polls this year are the Vanderbilt Commodores, led by star guard John Jenkins and swingman Jeffery Taylor, while returning their entire roster from last season's campaign. A disappointing first round upset loss to Richmond last year leaves Vandy hungry and out for blood.

However, this Nashille school has a fanbase that revels heavily in the music of Elvis Presley. This honky tonk style of rock and roll is sure to affect the team's performance in the upcoming season. Also, beware the ghost of Shan Foster, all you Commodore faithful. Just a little food for thought. Period.

Ohio State Team Preview - 2011-12

A moment of silence for Jon Diebler, my fair Buckeye faithful. The purest stroke in the game has moved on to the next level. However, the beast named JARED SULLINGER returns for his sophomore campaign, bigger and better than ever.

This skilled big man is the best in the nation, doing all the little things to get big time wins last year in the Big Ten. However, new radio station 94.7 THE ZONE is broadcasting at unusual frequencies, and Sullinger had just the kind of dental work for this to be devestating to him. From his tooth fillings, "Brown Eyed Girl" will be sourced directly into his brain mid-game at unbearable frequencies. This is why Ohio State will fall short yet again, and squirrely yet parrot-headed coach Thad Matta will be starved of a national title for yet another year, with an unbelievable ace squirreling under his provisions. Thanks for reading my article.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Basketball Oracle Born Today

Future Cincinnati coach Thomas Sapp was born today, October 26, 2011. He will be coach of the Cincinnati Bearcats basketball team from 2040-2045, before being fired in an unfortunate ponzi scheme scandal. Happy (literal) birthday, Tom!

Monday, October 17, 2011

2011-2012 Projected Bracket

Indiana Hoosiers - 2011-12 Team Preview

THE REVOLUTION BEGINS - 2012 INDIANA HOOSIERS. Tom Crean and his youthful cast of white men stain the yellow tinted underarms of the Big Ten this year, with far more experience than last year. Fans will ask "Is this the same team that was in an unjust war with Bethune Cookman?" "Are these those same Hoosiers that threatened action against MSU?" "BRING OUR HOOSIERS HOME!"

Imagine these hick white men riding a slick luge to the state championship. Congratulations, I think you have built the DAMNDEST visual image that you ever did see. BRING US OUR CHAMPIONSHIP TOM CREAN.

"We're tired coach!"
Words that are SHUNNED BY TOM CREAN!
One player was cut pretty badly. Tom Crean simply shook his head, paced slowly to the bench, and applied a non-approved medical SQUEEGEE to the gash! The gash was infested.
Tom Crean doesn't host "practice", he hosts an utter warzone.

Thanks for bringing the Hoosiers back to Indiana, Tom Crean!