Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Duke Star Austin Rivers: Dire Risk for a Dollar

Meet Chapel Hill resident Jason Barbera, squatting in his booth at the Dreyfuss Diner. We asked this passionate Duke fan what he thought of the cuisine at the local hotspot.

"The half frozen, watery jambalaya tastes like tinned fish," he said, somewhat effeminately.

This is where Duke star Austin Rivers spends his time as a cook, shoveling hot fat and vegetable grease. These clumsy culinary habits put him at high risk for burning his hands with boiling frying pan magma. But Coach Mike Krzyzewski sees no problem with this kind of workforce enrollment.

"It's time our players learned the value of a hard earned American rupiah dollar," said Coach K, somewhat effeminately."Depreciation has taken a toll on my players."

Austin has developed a disturbing attachment to the job, however, as he now seems to smuggle half-eaten corndogs against his elastic waistband. This kind of fried food on the court clearly violates NCAA rules. Austin, however, would say he is lucky.

"I'm a chef who fries bar food. I'm a world class basketball player. THanks for reading this article," said Rivers, somewhat effeminately.

Indiana Hoosiers Launch into Liberty

The Indiana Hoosiers have launched into college basketball liberty this season under the leadership of Tom Crean. On an unbeaten 12-0 foundation, the Hoosiers are resurfacing the cultural image of Indiana basketball and building an utter database of statistics.

The Hoosiers get to the line early and often with a great interior game. Any coach in the Big Ten may as well post a Xerox copy of their ass on the inspiration board when Indiana is hitting their 3s. That same copy could very well replace every page of the playbook too. They are as talented offensively  as Ke$ha is talented when it comes to wasting our time.

The much under-publicized tractor factor is also key to understanding this team, leading teams to a hickish culture shock when traveling through the Hoosier state. Meanwhile, the doughy superstars on the court continue their offensive onslaught with complete choreography, looking to make a tournament run and end up sipping on March's wine this Spring.

Monday, December 26, 2011

College Basketball Prediction Accuracy

You can either slam with the best, or go jam with the rest.

Unbelievable accuracy (through 1 game.) Believe.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Illinois vs Missouri Preview - Thursday, December 22, 2011

Illinois G D.J. Richardson leads the judicial attack of the Illini's youth parliament. He will assess both hempispheres of Missouri's hive mind, disrupting the concentration response and setting off symbolic illegal fireworks in their collective danger radar.

Despite this, Illinois will not be able to force turnovers, thanks to Tigers' senior wizard G Marcus Denmon, who has been hoarding the ball like an acorn in the wintertime, much like the squirrely man he has proven to be. These habitat management practices will prepare them for a rather warm winter, with all due respect.

Unfortunately, the corrupt statisticians polluting the sidelines will be sure to make many "innocent" scoring errors, leading Missouri to an easy victory.

BOOK IT:  Missouri 80, Illinois 68

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

DUKE VS MICHIGAN 2011 Preview Prediction November 22 -- Words from a prophet

    The Curry Brothers will bring the poisoned chalice and the Plumlee Brothers will act as the penetrating vessel, declaring war on Michigan's deployed hoops troops. Michigan will launch an utterly soulless three point barrage on the Blue Devils, bombing their civilians into a death with dignity.

    With only 1:01 remaining, Tim Hardaway Jr will place a small polyethylene tube into Duke's stomach via an autobiographically acrobatic 3 point play. This will put the Wolverines up by 7, accentuating the victory crease and becoming the hole in the donut that Duke cannot climb out of. Coach K was seen twirling his baton, ready to physically beat his players back into shape for their showdown with Ohio State.

BOOK IT: Michigan 74-70

Monday, November 21, 2011

College Basketball Prophecy Syracuse vs Virginia Tech 2011 - November 23

Beware, young minions -- this court (Madison Square Garden) is only mildly neutral . New York City is a special haven for hemmerhoids. The Orange will propogate these jewelly Carbuncles on their way to a win against a multimarket, high-major competitor.

Syracuse's fast break art attack will destabilize the Hokies. Dorenzo Hudson will teach an absolute counting class for the Hokies, scoring 28. However, Syracuse will define their "run and legally gun" offense with refined vigor, leading 'Cuse to write the "cardboard cheque of victory" at the end of Potluck Wednesday.

BOOK IT: Syracuse 70-58

Prophecy: SAN DIEGO STATE @ ARIZONA - November 23 2011 Preview / Prediction

A night of travelanna between two tournament teams. Both teams seemingly refusing to dribble, the traveling call was blown a record 54 times. Jamaal Franklin will gather two perfect glowing baskets in the final couple minutes to keep SDSU close in the final minutes. However, Solomon Hill will overwhelm the puny works of man with 18 points and 11 rebounds.

I see SDSU's hydration bottle zone defense cooling off Arizona's 1st half three-point barrage. Arizona's youthful creativity will blossom during the second half, building a bunker on Victory Island by ye night's end.

BOOK IT: Arizona 74-68

Weekend Revue November 18-20 College Basketball Scores, Results, Tounament Projections

Alabama's unmatched strength in their abominable tournament performance leads me to believe they will be sipping on March's wine. Look for these unforgettable hillbillies to make a deep, nutritious run into the tournament.

Cincinnati suffered an embarrassing loss at home at the hands of a team of ordained Presbyterian ministers, 56-54. Projections pointed at a Cincinnati win (70-53 (95%)), and this embarrassing double loss will put Cincy into the "wasted talent" equation, and may indeed count as more than one loss on their final record.

Oregon State looks like a well-financed machine and a formidable postseason opponent with a win over Texas on Friday. The Beavers may dam their damn way into the cozy foundation of springtime.

Saint Louis is living up to the Hype Cycle projections, beating a decent Washington team by double figures. Rick Majerus is finally passing the wind of victory through his digestive tract and into the Billikens. This vital fart will have them playing for the Golden Fleece in March.

Finally, LSU looks like the sleeper Manchurian candidate to have a very good year. They beat a ripe, deranged, and underrated Georgia Tech squad by 9. Their seemingly endless experiments with trailer park players finally seem to be coming to fruition. They will be in my new edition of the ABUDANZA 68.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Providence at Fairfield College Basketball Preview November 14th, 2011

Providence coach Ed Cooley returns to his old nesting grounds, as he spent five years laying eggs as head coach of Fairfield. The success of his donkey basketball program leadership at Fairfield may come back to haunt him, as the untapped talent of his recruiting successes will gush forth as the leakiest wildcat 0il rigs. My sweet goodness. 

These Friars are far inferior to their homeland teams in the Big East. The expectation levels are at a five-year low this season, but Coach Cooley will likely change this future in the face of poverty.However, look for Fairfield to weasel their way to iron weasel status by pulling UPSET OF THE WEEK!

Northern Iowa beats Old Dominion - College Basketball Game of the Night Recap

Northern Iowa 63, Old Dominion 46

Northern Iowa went on the road and showered ODU with a talent bath. Big man Jake “The Wasteful Volcano” Koch scored 18 points. ODU has won 25 games for 3 straight years -- however, I see this season becoming an embodiment of utter chaos for ODU.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

RIDER AT NO. 11 PITT Preview - November 13 2011 Basketball

Alumni day at Pittsburgh, they'll be lookin' for a spitshinin' from the Rider boys.

Pittsburgh almost lost to Gourmet-Cupcake team Kentucky Wesleyan, 76-67, with 22 points by Lamar Patterson and 20 points by Ashton Gibbs.  Rider will start Anthony Myles at point guard in place of Jon "Quality Tunes" Thompson, who is serving the remainder of his two-game suspension stemming from a controversial crowd-controlling technique in last year’s MAAC tournament against Canisius.

Let's not kid ourselves -- Rider will get absolutely NEGLECTED in this match-up.

kenpom score predictor -- PITT wins 81-61

kenpom Pittsburgh preview (5 second ad on click)

Chattanooga at Indiana Preview, Sunday November 13th, 5:00 ET

Indiana hoards much of the available talent in this matchup, as the lowly Chattanoogits will have to prop up their egos to stay competitive.

 However, if these Chattanooga animals wants to pull off the upset, it will be with a 24 hour fast. The Mocs return four senior starters, with three sales majors in the bunch. This persuasive bunch should have no problem convincing Indiana of a reason to starve themselves leading up to gametime.

Omar Wattad and Ricky Taylor are two of the best players in the Southern Conference, but the hickish culture shock could leave them squirreling for excuses. This famous effect is known as the "Tractor Factor".

 A devestating one game losing streak would cripple the enthusiasm in Indiana. Look for the Hoosiers to propel to the Promised land upon notions of cautious optimism alone.

Kenpom's predicted score - Indiana 84-65
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Chattanooga on (5 second ad)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Michigan State vs. North Carolina, November 11 2011 Preview - "Aircraft Carrier"The Most Dangerous "Aircraft Carrier" Game. - College Basketball

A windy November day... changed college basketball forever. The game started in spectacular fashion. Such a physical game can only be described as grotesque licking. Then an unbelievable gale force wind prevailing from the east blew upon the carrier. Later the wind would be described as the wail of Nick Fazekas carrying Obama back to the golden age of hoops when his predictions were correct. While others believed the wind was set up by NBA commissioner David Stern to express his feelings of the lockout. Either way that day was truly horrific.

First, the ball was going sideline to sideline. This wouldn't be a problem normally. However, there was a strange effect that was carried with the wind. The effect was akin to altitude sickness. Reasoning was tossed out the window. Russell Byrd, feeling he could fly, dove over board the carrier chasing an errant ball. However, the wind caught him before he was plunged into the icy water below. He was then hoisted back onto the carrier by that same wind. He would later describe the wind as, "Fazekas' guiding hand." So, maybe, this is indeed the doing of the great Nick Fazekas from the golden age. Many other players were climbing the walls of the carrier jumping and becoming swept up by the wind in a joyous ride, "Oh Fazekas!" This was a term heard from an onlooker who was interviewed after the debacle.

Second, many strange objects were being swept onto the carrier from the wind. All manner of creatures made their way onto the deck. Every carnivorous creature imaginable was accounted for because of the wind. Adrien Payne was taught the meaning of his surname by a pack of hyenas laughing all the while. Even Obama was not save from the wrath of the creatures. However, before the grizzly could form a strike against the president the Secret Service came to his aid. Many shots rang out across the carrier. Let this be a lesson to those who shoot into prevailing winds. The bullets didn't even graze our friend Mr. Grizzly instead they fought their way through the entirety of North Carolina's squad. Obama, so enraged by the bullets of his protective squad hitting his favorite teams players, pressed his red button. The red button is used to call the elite Navy SEALs into action. The SEALs dressed in Drager Lar V scuba suits infiltrated the carrier and began to cut down the dangerous animals with their combat knives.

Third, the sheer madness that had enveloped the carrier was astounding. Everyone on the ship caught fits of hysteria. Even Obama was swimming on the polished wood of the court. Irving "Magic" Johnson was doing offensive maneuvers with the SEALs. Apparently they were trying to capture Mr. Grizzly so they could rescue hostages. However, that story was proven to be false because there was inconclusive evidence to back it up. Then President Obama was swept up by the "hand of Fazekas," and brought to the oval office were he woke up.

Apparently this had all been a dream but many eye witnesses swear to the contrary. Obama delivered this story in a White House press conference where many thought he had lost his grip on reality. Later that day congress had proposed to play all college basketball games on aircraft carriers. They claimed it was good for American business. However, Obama swiftly vetoed the bill. Whether the accounts of the event that unfolded that day are true or not is debatable but Obama's fear of aircraft games are not.

Also, this should be noted, Adrien Payne has been missing since the games conclusion.

Michigan State Preview 2011-2012

     The biggest event in Midnight Madness history turn sour as head basketball coach for the Michigan State Spartans, Tom Izzo contracted rabies from a wild moon wolverine. Everything was wired in via skype. Coach was being broadcasted to the entire world while on the moon enjoying the scenery. Moon rock after moon rock was there to greet him. Then a rare species we can't yet study was spotted ripping into the now comatose head coach. He eventually made it back to earth but how alive he is, is yet to be seen. This puts a damper on what already looked like a gloomy season for the Spartans who almost missed the tournament last season.

     Kalin Lucas has taken over as interim head coach. A wounded man coaching a wounded team. Don't look down too much on the Spartans this season they still have a first rate journalist in Draymond Green as he displayed for ESPN last season. So watch out for the Spartans this year! They should be a wounded animal this season and as we all know wounded animals are sometimes the most dangerous kind! Ask that wolverine about being wounded he was on the freakin' moon.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Arizona State coach Herb Tarlek says he doesn't want to dwell on the team that nickel and dimed their way to mediocrity in the 2010-11 season, and it's hard to blame him.

In a nutshell, Tarlek disintegrated a team with high hopes last year into a cooney team with Gong Show level talent. He took his coach of the year trophy from 09-10 and poisoned the teams Gatorade supply with his f***ed-up toxins.

Injured and cinematic, the legendary 2010-11 Sun Devils lost 9 in a row in Pac-10 utopia, infecting the spirits of his youngers. Arizona State University is located in Phoenix, Arizona.

Irregardlessly, it is hard for me to salvage any sort of preview for this adventurous bunch. After all, they've broken my faith many-a-time before -- why should I trust them with my heart yet again?

With no seniors on the roster, a tournament-ready team can only be described as a job for a cowboy. But the Pac-12 is weak at the top this season. Tarlek has put on his spurs, but can he ride into the sunset?

(On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being best) 7/10

KENPOM PAC-12 PREVIEW (5 second ad upon clicking)

Notre Dame vs Missouri - Preview - November 21, 2011 College Basketball

(preview coming soon)

Michigan vs Memphis Preview - November 21, 2011 College Basketball

(preview coming soon)

Washington @ St Louis - Preview - November 20, 2011 College Basketball

(preview coming soon)

Louisville @ Butler 2011 Preview - November 15, 2011 College Basketball

(preview coming soon)

Belmont @ Memphis Preview - November 15, 2011 College Basketball

One of the best parts of teaching at the Belmont University is the interaction with our interesting faculty.

Belmont returns 10 to 12 players from last years squad of pyromaniacs, draining 3 point bombs from the balcony.

Belmont will bloody the Tigers.

More to come.

Florida @ Ohio St Preview - November 15, 2011 College Basketball

Ohio State enters this season fueled by uncorked passion, ranked No. 3 in both the Coaches and AP polls behind UNC and Kentucky. The Buckeyes were the archtype last season, where they posted a 34-3 record on their way to a complete weenie roast at the hands of Kentucky in the Sweet 16 of the NCAA tournament.

Ohio State University is dedicated to providing a curriculum that is rooted in the teachings of the Catholic church. Ohio State has two returning starters in their catechism -- Jared Sullinger and William Buford.

Jared "Sack Jackin' " Sullinger enters his sophomore season behind an absolute bogdas of hype. The only consensus preseason All-American was also  voted the Big Ten’s preseason player of the year. He lost 20 pounds in the offseason, and his iconic value will multiply tenfold. He will be able to utilize unbelievable athleticism this semester rather than being propped up in the paint like a Macy's float. This headhunter has the world clutching their legs in an utter fetal position.

On the dark side of things, it is rumored that Williams Buford has mice in his home. Watch out for this off-the-court distraction to greatly affect Ohio State's ch'i.

Florida was one game away from reaching the Final Four last season. Wizard and master puppeteer Billy Donovan is the master composer -- opponents think he's played his master sonata, but he's just playin' CHOPSTICKS.

Three seniors graduated -- but Rutgers transfer Mike Rosario and McDonald's All-America freshman Bradley Beal could become the Mount Saint Helens of college basketball, ready to erupt with projectile vomit at any given moment.

A big question mark is the improvement of center, Patric Young. This young big man has spent much of his career rumbling around like a mastodon. The Gators are ranked No. 8 in the Associated Press preseason poll. Florida University is proud of its online educational programs

I am picking FLORIDA to get an upset win on the road. Why? Well - the moon is aligned with the earths gravitational field in such a manner that it's heaviest side is facing earth, less total energy is in the system. Florida's small guards are surely aware of this fast break opportunity and will make Ohio State's flakey cast keel.

Michigan St vs Duke Preview - November 15, 2011 College Basketball

Mike Krzyzewski enters the 2011-12 season with the socially-unacceptable tally of 900 victories in his college head coaching career, two wins behind your hero and mine BOB KNIGHT.

His enshrinement as winningest coach in collegiate hoops history might as well enshrine into enshrinement.

If they dismantle Belmont, and if they are able to rediscover their moral dignity with a win against Presbyterian, the stage will be set for Coach K to become the all time wins leader -- in front of a notoriously fleshy gathering at MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

With all this history at stake, Tom Izzo is riding the gravy train to stewy success. Michigan State's repugnant first win could come against Coack K's corky bunch.

Last year's pre-season #2, MSU's season relatively unraveled. Then, with some wins, it reraveled for the Spartans, then reveled into relevance by raveling irreverantly.

Draymond "Pantyhose" Green (12.3 PPG 8.6 RPG last year) will need to re-oil his "goat-motor" for any chance at soiling Coach K's indulgent party.

Kansas vs Kentucky Preview - College Basketball November 15, 2011

For the first time in his career as a coach, Bill Self has to conduct a literal talent renaissance to get his team on the map by the time of yule, 2011.

77 percent of last year's scoring and 67 percent of last year's rebounding down the cr*pshoot, my friends -- Jayhawks fans, is this OK with you? I have provided information to protest the athletic department at the bottom of this article.

The Morris twins and Josh Selby split, ya dig. Three more top contributors graduated. This kind of production can only be made up by some working class heroes -- does Self have the bunch?

No -- and here's why.

Self has to let his recruits thaw out before they can play sweet. His artful system lends itself to the experienced students of higher academia moreso than the newest high school recruits.

Kentucky, on the other hand, has gone to the Elite 8 and Final 4 the past 2 years with a host of new recuits. Calipari pushes new recruits onto the scene with his perennial squeegee, never giving them a chance to freeze. In addition to the new recruiting class he has conquered, he returns some of his "undead" collegiate athletes from last year's Final 4 run.

Terrence Jones, last year's SEC Freshman of the year returns. "Captain Gumbohands" (as his teammates affectionately call him) will lead the charge for the Wildcats.

Anthony Davis, who controversially knit his own jersey earlier in the year, looks to add some swag to the funk explosion.

Look for Kentucky to produce 100 points in this game with these great magicians -- Kansas will look like their clueless assistants in this early clashing of the bros.

Miami FL preview

HARK! A new coach emergeth from the swamps this semester. His name is JIM LARRARANARANAGA. You may remember him from feverish tournament runs, and for his infamously bad case of the runs last fall. A master of bowel movements in his own right, Larranaga has the Miami Hurricanes poised to finish 3rd in the ACC -- "F*** The Hatas." Let me explain.

Reggie Johnson is the single best big man in the ACC. I envision him camping in the lane like a stagnant peachtree, gobbling up rebounds. All the while, he is shooting folky / folklore-ish percentages from the field. Neil Young is working on a folk song about the monster season he is about to have already.

Miami's problem last year was turnovers -- both committing too many and not forcing enough. They are sure to recycle their opponents this season, though, as Larranaga is a kleptomaniac in his own right. Miami will launch into liberty this season, and should easily cruise to a national championship.

KENPOM'S ACC PREVIEW -Mildly more useful than the above article
(5 second ad after click) KenPom ACC

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Iowa Hawkeyes Injury Update

 Big man Melsahn Basabe was recently injured in a tractor pull. This comes only weeks after Bryce Cartwright slipped on an ear of corn and shredded his meniscus, and swingman Matt Gatens fell 20 feet from a barn, and onto a farm.

Friday, October 28, 2011

2012 UCONN Preview

Reigning NCAA Champion UCONN Huskies are a projected top 5 team in the early polls. NOT SO, I say, somewhat illogically. Let me explain.

Jeremy Lamb and Alex Oriakhi lead an After-Kemba (A.K) era, and the complete UCONN staff of athletics employees of 47 have been affectionately nicknamed "The AK-47". This unfortunate nickname will stir up the anti-violence groups and cost us some money.

This team will be very talented, but will lose a bunch of close games. Young guard Shabazz Napier will inexplicably become the Mount Saint Helens of college hoops, ready to erupt with projectile vomit at any given moment.

Coach Jim Calhoun once again hopes to have them playing in the flay, but they have eaten too much flan to stay competitive (according to unofficial CFH statistics). This tiresome food will lead the team down a road filled with negative energy and gassy fits of diarrhea, inevitably. Sorry again for the dark forecast.  It is what it is.

2012 Memphis Team Preview

Memphis, the absent star of the north will affect your play negatively this season. Memphis, you should focus on recruiting obedient nobodies rather than dominant alpha-males in your near future.

Memphis, you reached to near the top of the "luck" rankings last year according to Sir Ken Pom. This means your record exceeded your actual performance. How dare you deceive our people, Memphis.

Memphis, please try to eat diets rich in Italian foods, especially Pescatelli, so as to commune communal community communing communal commune communing communal commune communing communal commune (etc). Memphis, please provide great basketball to a town that needs great basketball when a town had great basketball but then more great basketball was erased to to a lockout. The absent northern star depends on you. I predict a Top 25 finish in your future, but not top 10. "El Pepe" has spoken.

(content provided by alleged psychic sports astrologer / vegan "El Pepe")

Pesky Flyers Discourage Trojans

An abysmal campaign of flyers were posted in and around the greater Los Angeles community recently. These flyers have been known to say things such as "USC Wet Noodles of the Pac 12 " and "RIP Tim Floyd".

For a roster so wackened by graduation and injury, these wacky jackers are particularly sensitive to the negative messages peddled by the LA Crip gangs filled with Bruins fans. This doesn't look good -- the LA Riots will reasonably happen again sometime in the next couple of months.

2012 Purdue Team Preview

Purdue is liable to fall on some hard times here in 2012, after enjoying the fruitful splendor of last year's veteran leadership under tortuous conditions. Please read more.

Just try to visualize Gene Keady, Boilers. Imagine him mumbling some incoherent (immortal) words of wisdom to rally the troops, and your outlook of the Boilermakers' season will be just as positive as mine. Please keep reading.

Robbie Hummel is sure to bring his swollen ACL and attempt to bail out Purdue basketball as if it were some sort of Swiss bank.

I see Purdue finishing near the middle of the pack in a mediocre Big Ten. They will shed their talent cones mid-year, like the truly coniferous bunch they are.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

2012 Penn State preview

Penn State is in relative shambles. The loss of many starters to graduation would have doomed them to a near-last Big Ten finish, but now they have to deal with team departures as well.

Troubled guard Taran Buie left the team in April. His method of departure was particularly unusual, as he put on quite a performance instead of making a simple announcement.

"I'm tiiiiiiiiired of grace!" he sang in his best Aretha Franklin soul notes. "So tiiiiiiiiired of second chances!" He attempted to detach the mounted press-stand microphone but was unfortunately electrocuted instead. He would be out for the year even if he had been eligible to return.

Wishing you a speedy recovery,

Monday, October 24, 2011

2012 Arizona Team Preview

This year, Arizona will sleep peacefully under a half moon of salsa. A projected premiere jalapeno in the Pac 12 this semester, the Wildcats are poised to make a deep run in the tourney thanks to ________, their shining star. I have them in my top 10, getting barely edged out by _____ and ____ in my preseason rankings. _____________________________________________________.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Rick Pitino Unleashes his controversial Chicken's Nest Defense.

Basketball innovator Rick Pitino has recently unveiled a new defense that is sure to turn college basketball upside down and leave opponents scatterbrained and hard-boiled, in that order, verbatim. It is called the Chicken's Nest Defense. Watch out for lots of eggs being laid by other team's offenses!

I have described the new defensive tactic to the best of my ability below, step by step so that any youth basketball directors reading can take this brilliant man's strategy to heart.

Phase 1 -- Deception -- Players sag off or leave a hole in their zone defense. This leads the ball handler to believe he has a clear path to the rim, which he does. I know, you skeptics are thinking smugly to yourselves, "SOME DEFENSE HUH." You just wait.

Phase 2 -- Unbelievable athleticism -- Pitino recruits athletic fiends to jump back onto the scene and destroy the spirited field goal attempts with blocked-shot talons of destruction.

Phase 3 -- Roost.

Louisville basketball <3

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Thursday, October 20, 2011


We have occupied possession of a valuable asset to the company -- Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan's personal laptop, including his recent web history. In a COLLEGE FREAKIN HOOPS EXCLUSIVE, we are able to report to you, here, today, that Bo Ryan issued 2 or 3 different google searches about the practice of ZEN.

The fine dine of reports and excellence in journalism continues, friends, as College Freakin Hoops can also reasonably make this prediction -- Bo Ryan will start using the triangle offense a la Phil Jackson post-zen, and little known guard RYAN EVANS will be knighted the next Jordan / Kobe within that system. Book it, bookies.

Kentucky Team Preview - 2011-12

Star incoming freshman Anthony Davis is slated to become AN ABSOLUTE CARABET (car-uh-bay) for the Wildcats. He's already been to the moon with his oft-documented close ties to NASA.

But one red flag for all you Wildcat fans to embrace -- he actually knitted his own jersey. There's no telling what this hobby has done to his chi, but it can't be good for his performance. SELL SELL SELL!!!!!!!

Vanderbilt Team Preview 2011-12

Preseason #7 in the polls this year are the Vanderbilt Commodores, led by star guard John Jenkins and swingman Jeffery Taylor, while returning their entire roster from last season's campaign. A disappointing first round upset loss to Richmond last year leaves Vandy hungry and out for blood.

However, this Nashille school has a fanbase that revels heavily in the music of Elvis Presley. This honky tonk style of rock and roll is sure to affect the team's performance in the upcoming season. Also, beware the ghost of Shan Foster, all you Commodore faithful. Just a little food for thought. Period.

Ohio State Team Preview - 2011-12

A moment of silence for Jon Diebler, my fair Buckeye faithful. The purest stroke in the game has moved on to the next level. However, the beast named JARED SULLINGER returns for his sophomore campaign, bigger and better than ever.

This skilled big man is the best in the nation, doing all the little things to get big time wins last year in the Big Ten. However, new radio station 94.7 THE ZONE is broadcasting at unusual frequencies, and Sullinger had just the kind of dental work for this to be devestating to him. From his tooth fillings, "Brown Eyed Girl" will be sourced directly into his brain mid-game at unbearable frequencies. This is why Ohio State will fall short yet again, and squirrely yet parrot-headed coach Thad Matta will be starved of a national title for yet another year, with an unbelievable ace squirreling under his provisions. Thanks for reading my article.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Basketball Oracle Born Today

Future Cincinnati coach Thomas Sapp was born today, October 26, 2011. He will be coach of the Cincinnati Bearcats basketball team from 2040-2045, before being fired in an unfortunate ponzi scheme scandal. Happy (literal) birthday, Tom!

Monday, October 17, 2011

2011-2012 Projected Bracket

Indiana Hoosiers - 2011-12 Team Preview

THE REVOLUTION BEGINS - 2012 INDIANA HOOSIERS. Tom Crean and his youthful cast of white men stain the yellow tinted underarms of the Big Ten this year, with far more experience than last year. Fans will ask "Is this the same team that was in an unjust war with Bethune Cookman?" "Are these those same Hoosiers that threatened action against MSU?" "BRING OUR HOOSIERS HOME!"

Imagine these hick white men riding a slick luge to the state championship. Congratulations, I think you have built the DAMNDEST visual image that you ever did see. BRING US OUR CHAMPIONSHIP TOM CREAN.

"We're tired coach!"
Words that are SHUNNED BY TOM CREAN!
One player was cut pretty badly. Tom Crean simply shook his head, paced slowly to the bench, and applied a non-approved medical SQUEEGEE to the gash! The gash was infested.
Tom Crean doesn't host "practice", he hosts an utter warzone.

Thanks for bringing the Hoosiers back to Indiana, Tom Crean!

Monday, August 01, 2011


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Monday, July 04, 2011

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