Tuesday, November 22, 2011

DUKE VS MICHIGAN 2011 Preview Prediction November 22 -- Words from a prophet

    The Curry Brothers will bring the poisoned chalice and the Plumlee Brothers will act as the penetrating vessel, declaring war on Michigan's deployed hoops troops. Michigan will launch an utterly soulless three point barrage on the Blue Devils, bombing their civilians into a death with dignity.

    With only 1:01 remaining, Tim Hardaway Jr will place a small polyethylene tube into Duke's stomach via an autobiographically acrobatic 3 point play. This will put the Wolverines up by 7, accentuating the victory crease and becoming the hole in the donut that Duke cannot climb out of. Coach K was seen twirling his baton, ready to physically beat his players back into shape for their showdown with Ohio State.

BOOK IT: Michigan 74-70

Monday, November 21, 2011

College Basketball Prophecy Syracuse vs Virginia Tech 2011 - November 23

Beware, young minions -- this court (Madison Square Garden) is only mildly neutral . New York City is a special haven for hemmerhoids. The Orange will propogate these jewelly Carbuncles on their way to a win against a multimarket, high-major competitor.

Syracuse's fast break art attack will destabilize the Hokies. Dorenzo Hudson will teach an absolute counting class for the Hokies, scoring 28. However, Syracuse will define their "run and legally gun" offense with refined vigor, leading 'Cuse to write the "cardboard cheque of victory" at the end of Potluck Wednesday.

BOOK IT: Syracuse 70-58

Prophecy: SAN DIEGO STATE @ ARIZONA - November 23 2011 Preview / Prediction

A night of travelanna between two tournament teams. Both teams seemingly refusing to dribble, the traveling call was blown a record 54 times. Jamaal Franklin will gather two perfect glowing baskets in the final couple minutes to keep SDSU close in the final minutes. However, Solomon Hill will overwhelm the puny works of man with 18 points and 11 rebounds.

I see SDSU's hydration bottle zone defense cooling off Arizona's 1st half three-point barrage. Arizona's youthful creativity will blossom during the second half, building a bunker on Victory Island by ye night's end.

BOOK IT: Arizona 74-68

Weekend Revue November 18-20 College Basketball Scores, Results, Tounament Projections

Alabama's unmatched strength in their abominable tournament performance leads me to believe they will be sipping on March's wine. Look for these unforgettable hillbillies to make a deep, nutritious run into the tournament.

Cincinnati suffered an embarrassing loss at home at the hands of a team of ordained Presbyterian ministers, 56-54. Projections pointed at a Cincinnati win (70-53 (95%)), and this embarrassing double loss will put Cincy into the "wasted talent" equation, and may indeed count as more than one loss on their final record.

Oregon State looks like a well-financed machine and a formidable postseason opponent with a win over Texas on Friday. The Beavers may dam their damn way into the cozy foundation of springtime.

Saint Louis is living up to the Hype Cycle projections, beating a decent Washington team by double figures. Rick Majerus is finally passing the wind of victory through his digestive tract and into the Billikens. This vital fart will have them playing for the Golden Fleece in March.

Finally, LSU looks like the sleeper Manchurian candidate to have a very good year. They beat a ripe, deranged, and underrated Georgia Tech squad by 9. Their seemingly endless experiments with trailer park players finally seem to be coming to fruition. They will be in my new edition of the ABUDANZA 68.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Providence at Fairfield College Basketball Preview November 14th, 2011

Providence coach Ed Cooley returns to his old nesting grounds, as he spent five years laying eggs as head coach of Fairfield. The success of his donkey basketball program leadership at Fairfield may come back to haunt him, as the untapped talent of his recruiting successes will gush forth as the leakiest wildcat 0il rigs. My sweet goodness. 

These Friars are far inferior to their homeland teams in the Big East. The expectation levels are at a five-year low this season, but Coach Cooley will likely change this future in the face of poverty.However, look for Fairfield to weasel their way to iron weasel status by pulling UPSET OF THE WEEK!

Northern Iowa beats Old Dominion - College Basketball Game of the Night Recap

Northern Iowa 63, Old Dominion 46

Northern Iowa went on the road and showered ODU with a talent bath. Big man Jake “The Wasteful Volcano” Koch scored 18 points. ODU has won 25 games for 3 straight years -- however, I see this season becoming an embodiment of utter chaos for ODU.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

RIDER AT NO. 11 PITT Preview - November 13 2011 Basketball

Alumni day at Pittsburgh, they'll be lookin' for a spitshinin' from the Rider boys.

Pittsburgh almost lost to Gourmet-Cupcake team Kentucky Wesleyan, 76-67, with 22 points by Lamar Patterson and 20 points by Ashton Gibbs.  Rider will start Anthony Myles at point guard in place of Jon "Quality Tunes" Thompson, who is serving the remainder of his two-game suspension stemming from a controversial crowd-controlling technique in last year’s MAAC tournament against Canisius.

Let's not kid ourselves -- Rider will get absolutely NEGLECTED in this match-up.

kenpom score predictor -- PITT wins 81-61

kenpom Pittsburgh preview (5 second ad on click)

Chattanooga at Indiana Preview, Sunday November 13th, 5:00 ET

Indiana hoards much of the available talent in this matchup, as the lowly Chattanoogits will have to prop up their egos to stay competitive.

 However, if these Chattanooga animals wants to pull off the upset, it will be with a 24 hour fast. The Mocs return four senior starters, with three sales majors in the bunch. This persuasive bunch should have no problem convincing Indiana of a reason to starve themselves leading up to gametime.

Omar Wattad and Ricky Taylor are two of the best players in the Southern Conference, but the hickish culture shock could leave them squirreling for excuses. This famous effect is known as the "Tractor Factor".

 A devestating one game losing streak would cripple the enthusiasm in Indiana. Look for the Hoosiers to propel to the Promised land upon notions of cautious optimism alone.

Kenpom's predicted score - Indiana 84-65
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Friday, November 11, 2011

Michigan State vs. North Carolina, November 11 2011 Preview - "Aircraft Carrier"The Most Dangerous "Aircraft Carrier" Game. - College Basketball

A windy November day... changed college basketball forever. The game started in spectacular fashion. Such a physical game can only be described as grotesque licking. Then an unbelievable gale force wind prevailing from the east blew upon the carrier. Later the wind would be described as the wail of Nick Fazekas carrying Obama back to the golden age of hoops when his predictions were correct. While others believed the wind was set up by NBA commissioner David Stern to express his feelings of the lockout. Either way that day was truly horrific.

First, the ball was going sideline to sideline. This wouldn't be a problem normally. However, there was a strange effect that was carried with the wind. The effect was akin to altitude sickness. Reasoning was tossed out the window. Russell Byrd, feeling he could fly, dove over board the carrier chasing an errant ball. However, the wind caught him before he was plunged into the icy water below. He was then hoisted back onto the carrier by that same wind. He would later describe the wind as, "Fazekas' guiding hand." So, maybe, this is indeed the doing of the great Nick Fazekas from the golden age. Many other players were climbing the walls of the carrier jumping and becoming swept up by the wind in a joyous ride, "Oh Fazekas!" This was a term heard from an onlooker who was interviewed after the debacle.

Second, many strange objects were being swept onto the carrier from the wind. All manner of creatures made their way onto the deck. Every carnivorous creature imaginable was accounted for because of the wind. Adrien Payne was taught the meaning of his surname by a pack of hyenas laughing all the while. Even Obama was not save from the wrath of the creatures. However, before the grizzly could form a strike against the president the Secret Service came to his aid. Many shots rang out across the carrier. Let this be a lesson to those who shoot into prevailing winds. The bullets didn't even graze our friend Mr. Grizzly instead they fought their way through the entirety of North Carolina's squad. Obama, so enraged by the bullets of his protective squad hitting his favorite teams players, pressed his red button. The red button is used to call the elite Navy SEALs into action. The SEALs dressed in Drager Lar V scuba suits infiltrated the carrier and began to cut down the dangerous animals with their combat knives.

Third, the sheer madness that had enveloped the carrier was astounding. Everyone on the ship caught fits of hysteria. Even Obama was swimming on the polished wood of the court. Irving "Magic" Johnson was doing offensive maneuvers with the SEALs. Apparently they were trying to capture Mr. Grizzly so they could rescue hostages. However, that story was proven to be false because there was inconclusive evidence to back it up. Then President Obama was swept up by the "hand of Fazekas," and brought to the oval office were he woke up.

Apparently this had all been a dream but many eye witnesses swear to the contrary. Obama delivered this story in a White House press conference where many thought he had lost his grip on reality. Later that day congress had proposed to play all college basketball games on aircraft carriers. They claimed it was good for American business. However, Obama swiftly vetoed the bill. Whether the accounts of the event that unfolded that day are true or not is debatable but Obama's fear of aircraft games are not.

Also, this should be noted, Adrien Payne has been missing since the games conclusion.

Michigan State Preview 2011-2012

     The biggest event in Midnight Madness history turn sour as head basketball coach for the Michigan State Spartans, Tom Izzo contracted rabies from a wild moon wolverine. Everything was wired in via skype. Coach was being broadcasted to the entire world while on the moon enjoying the scenery. Moon rock after moon rock was there to greet him. Then a rare species we can't yet study was spotted ripping into the now comatose head coach. He eventually made it back to earth but how alive he is, is yet to be seen. This puts a damper on what already looked like a gloomy season for the Spartans who almost missed the tournament last season.

     Kalin Lucas has taken over as interim head coach. A wounded man coaching a wounded team. Don't look down too much on the Spartans this season they still have a first rate journalist in Draymond Green as he displayed for ESPN last season. So watch out for the Spartans this year! They should be a wounded animal this season and as we all know wounded animals are sometimes the most dangerous kind! Ask that wolverine about being wounded he was on the freakin' moon.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Arizona State coach Herb Tarlek says he doesn't want to dwell on the team that nickel and dimed their way to mediocrity in the 2010-11 season, and it's hard to blame him.

In a nutshell, Tarlek disintegrated a team with high hopes last year into a cooney team with Gong Show level talent. He took his coach of the year trophy from 09-10 and poisoned the teams Gatorade supply with his f***ed-up toxins.

Injured and cinematic, the legendary 2010-11 Sun Devils lost 9 in a row in Pac-10 utopia, infecting the spirits of his youngers. Arizona State University is located in Phoenix, Arizona.

Irregardlessly, it is hard for me to salvage any sort of preview for this adventurous bunch. After all, they've broken my faith many-a-time before -- why should I trust them with my heart yet again?

With no seniors on the roster, a tournament-ready team can only be described as a job for a cowboy. But the Pac-12 is weak at the top this season. Tarlek has put on his spurs, but can he ride into the sunset?

(On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being best) 7/10

KENPOM PAC-12 PREVIEW (5 second ad upon clicking)

Notre Dame vs Missouri - Preview - November 21, 2011 College Basketball

(preview coming soon)

Michigan vs Memphis Preview - November 21, 2011 College Basketball

(preview coming soon)

Washington @ St Louis - Preview - November 20, 2011 College Basketball

(preview coming soon)

Louisville @ Butler 2011 Preview - November 15, 2011 College Basketball

(preview coming soon)

Belmont @ Memphis Preview - November 15, 2011 College Basketball

One of the best parts of teaching at the Belmont University is the interaction with our interesting faculty.

Belmont returns 10 to 12 players from last years squad of pyromaniacs, draining 3 point bombs from the balcony.

Belmont will bloody the Tigers.

More to come.

Florida @ Ohio St Preview - November 15, 2011 College Basketball

Ohio State enters this season fueled by uncorked passion, ranked No. 3 in both the Coaches and AP polls behind UNC and Kentucky. The Buckeyes were the archtype last season, where they posted a 34-3 record on their way to a complete weenie roast at the hands of Kentucky in the Sweet 16 of the NCAA tournament.

Ohio State University is dedicated to providing a curriculum that is rooted in the teachings of the Catholic church. Ohio State has two returning starters in their catechism -- Jared Sullinger and William Buford.

Jared "Sack Jackin' " Sullinger enters his sophomore season behind an absolute bogdas of hype. The only consensus preseason All-American was also  voted the Big Ten’s preseason player of the year. He lost 20 pounds in the offseason, and his iconic value will multiply tenfold. He will be able to utilize unbelievable athleticism this semester rather than being propped up in the paint like a Macy's float. This headhunter has the world clutching their legs in an utter fetal position.

On the dark side of things, it is rumored that Williams Buford has mice in his home. Watch out for this off-the-court distraction to greatly affect Ohio State's ch'i.

Florida was one game away from reaching the Final Four last season. Wizard and master puppeteer Billy Donovan is the master composer -- opponents think he's played his master sonata, but he's just playin' CHOPSTICKS.

Three seniors graduated -- but Rutgers transfer Mike Rosario and McDonald's All-America freshman Bradley Beal could become the Mount Saint Helens of college basketball, ready to erupt with projectile vomit at any given moment.

A big question mark is the improvement of center, Patric Young. This young big man has spent much of his career rumbling around like a mastodon. The Gators are ranked No. 8 in the Associated Press preseason poll. Florida University is proud of its online educational programs

I am picking FLORIDA to get an upset win on the road. Why? Well - the moon is aligned with the earths gravitational field in such a manner that it's heaviest side is facing earth, less total energy is in the system. Florida's small guards are surely aware of this fast break opportunity and will make Ohio State's flakey cast keel.

Michigan St vs Duke Preview - November 15, 2011 College Basketball

Mike Krzyzewski enters the 2011-12 season with the socially-unacceptable tally of 900 victories in his college head coaching career, two wins behind your hero and mine BOB KNIGHT.

His enshrinement as winningest coach in collegiate hoops history might as well enshrine into enshrinement.

If they dismantle Belmont, and if they are able to rediscover their moral dignity with a win against Presbyterian, the stage will be set for Coach K to become the all time wins leader -- in front of a notoriously fleshy gathering at MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

With all this history at stake, Tom Izzo is riding the gravy train to stewy success. Michigan State's repugnant first win could come against Coack K's corky bunch.

Last year's pre-season #2, MSU's season relatively unraveled. Then, with some wins, it reraveled for the Spartans, then reveled into relevance by raveling irreverantly.

Draymond "Pantyhose" Green (12.3 PPG 8.6 RPG last year) will need to re-oil his "goat-motor" for any chance at soiling Coach K's indulgent party.

Kansas vs Kentucky Preview - College Basketball November 15, 2011

For the first time in his career as a coach, Bill Self has to conduct a literal talent renaissance to get his team on the map by the time of yule, 2011.

77 percent of last year's scoring and 67 percent of last year's rebounding down the cr*pshoot, my friends -- Jayhawks fans, is this OK with you? I have provided information to protest the athletic department at the bottom of this article.

The Morris twins and Josh Selby split, ya dig. Three more top contributors graduated. This kind of production can only be made up by some working class heroes -- does Self have the bunch?

No -- and here's why.

Self has to let his recruits thaw out before they can play sweet. His artful system lends itself to the experienced students of higher academia moreso than the newest high school recruits.

Kentucky, on the other hand, has gone to the Elite 8 and Final 4 the past 2 years with a host of new recuits. Calipari pushes new recruits onto the scene with his perennial squeegee, never giving them a chance to freeze. In addition to the new recruiting class he has conquered, he returns some of his "undead" collegiate athletes from last year's Final 4 run.

Terrence Jones, last year's SEC Freshman of the year returns. "Captain Gumbohands" (as his teammates affectionately call him) will lead the charge for the Wildcats.

Anthony Davis, who controversially knit his own jersey earlier in the year, looks to add some swag to the funk explosion.

Look for Kentucky to produce 100 points in this game with these great magicians -- Kansas will look like their clueless assistants in this early clashing of the bros.

Miami FL preview

HARK! A new coach emergeth from the swamps this semester. His name is JIM LARRARANARANAGA. You may remember him from feverish tournament runs, and for his infamously bad case of the runs last fall. A master of bowel movements in his own right, Larranaga has the Miami Hurricanes poised to finish 3rd in the ACC -- "F*** The Hatas." Let me explain.

Reggie Johnson is the single best big man in the ACC. I envision him camping in the lane like a stagnant peachtree, gobbling up rebounds. All the while, he is shooting folky / folklore-ish percentages from the field. Neil Young is working on a folk song about the monster season he is about to have already.

Miami's problem last year was turnovers -- both committing too many and not forcing enough. They are sure to recycle their opponents this season, though, as Larranaga is a kleptomaniac in his own right. Miami will launch into liberty this season, and should easily cruise to a national championship.

KENPOM'S ACC PREVIEW -Mildly more useful than the above article
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Sunday, November 06, 2011

Iowa Hawkeyes Injury Update

 Big man Melsahn Basabe was recently injured in a tractor pull. This comes only weeks after Bryce Cartwright slipped on an ear of corn and shredded his meniscus, and swingman Matt Gatens fell 20 feet from a barn, and onto a farm.