Coach Mike Kryztwhwacki has, for years, been known for his ability to take every aspect of basketball way too seriously. This season is no exception, as he is frequently spotted screaming at his players to get up after they tear their respective ACLs.
One Duke player got a harsh scolding for not getting back quickly enough on defense - he was managing his scabs on the other end of the court.
In a COLLEGE FREAKIN HOOPS EXCLUSIVE, Coach Kryzthesckiki led us to the back part of Duke's locker room. I'm assuming other media doesn't come here because the results were shocking. He had vats of players developing within his superlab, doing strange warm up stretches while swabbling in some sort of gooey fluid.
"We are just beginning to scrub the surface," said Coach K, with a symbolic loofah in hand. "Thank you for covering college basketball in such an honest way for our fanbase."
He slapped his hand in some of the experimental goo and held it out for me to shake, kind of like that Ford truck commercial and so I indulged it well what else was i gonna do.
"Thanks for your kind words, Coach K," I said, somewhat effeminately. "I will keep doing my best to cover college basketball in the way I see fit."
"Son," he said, "you're doing one hell of a job. Keep doing what you're doing. It's a service to the NCAA."
"It's my pleasure, Coach," I again said.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the bathroom," he said.
"No problem, Coach, I'll wait up for you."
As I stood there alone, amongst the developing basketball prodigies in Coach K's superlab, I felt numb to the world. No joy, no disgust, no terror. Just a determination -- a reignited passion to give you the hoops.
"Give them the hoops, son," I heard Coach K say, the echoes ruminating from his bathroom stall.
"OK" I said. Now I'm giving u the hoops thanks for readin ya'll